i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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