We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It's shark week go big or go home
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