hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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