Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
