on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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