my sisters under your porch take her home
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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