sarcasm needs its own font
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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