Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
