I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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