It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
