Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
