he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
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He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
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We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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