When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Someone came in the potted fern
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Randomize
