We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She bit a glass in half.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
