did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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