Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
