True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
