i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
