I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
