creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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