I'm lost and stupid without you.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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