dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.