Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.