I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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