He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
