working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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