if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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