i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
