rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
