I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
