Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
