I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
