My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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