I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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