I think I won the penis lottery.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
