why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
