peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize