i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
