my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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