So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Randomize
