I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
