i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
