I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
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i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
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Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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