I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Say something about gay babies.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
