Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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