Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
