I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
