I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
