yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
