i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
