My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
