I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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