Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
