I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
