well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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