All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
