3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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