You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's official drugs can't kill me
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Randomize
