Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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