dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
