I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
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I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
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I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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