I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
